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Vulnerability – Sunday August 2nd 2015

Had a new experience today. David pointed out a cut that Barney has behind his ear. Just one of those cracks that you get if you don’t dry properly. I imagine if it were Holly at the same age we might have fretted a bit – it is quite a deep crack – and we wouldn’t have known what to do. With Oscar we had realised that these things come and go, that children’s skin heals quickly and just put a blob of cream on. He did have exactly the same kind of crack behind an ear one time. Today with Barney has been different again. This is because Oscar’s Osteomylitis was likely contracted by an airborne bug, getting into his body through some broken skin; a crack behind the ear or perhaps the little patch of eczema on his jawline. So I’ve spent the rest of today staring at Barney horribly aware of how vulnerable he is. How vulnerable life is. Except the odds of something happening are miniscule. Tiredness is probably not helping – it has been a busy weekend.

I’ve caught myself staring at Holly a couple of times today, thinking how beautiful she is, loving watching her completely absorbed in some imaginary play and wondering what she will make of all of this as she grows up. How she will describe the impact of having and then losing Oscar on all of our lives, and how she perceives David and I to have dealt with it. Will she remember catching us with tears leaking out of our eyes or will the predominant memory be that of her relationship with Oscar and that Thinking of Oscar was founded and that ultimately we were all able to spend the rest of our lives doing something worthwhile with it. So if what really matters is making a mark on the world then Oscar will certainly have done that and enabled the rest of us to do the same.

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